My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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