im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
