Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There's always time for handjobs
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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