I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
