If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize