he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
not ubering you a puppy
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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