apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
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