I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
