i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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