is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
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