Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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