I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
