I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm really busy with my period
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