when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
