and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
