hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
