Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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