The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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