You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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