I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
