can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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