listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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