Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
