Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
