in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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