the condom got lost in my hair
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
