I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
