farters have to be the big spoon...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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