I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
