Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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