are you still at the devil's house?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
