i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Randomize
