the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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