I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
