Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
