You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
