I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
