i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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