she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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