party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think my fart just growled at me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
