well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
