This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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