Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
