Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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