new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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