i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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