Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
