nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
