My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
