I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
They took my balls.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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