fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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