i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
