I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize