false alarm. still invincible.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
