you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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