I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
