i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
