i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
