I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
