ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
