Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
