I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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